A story...

A story is told of two people. Both were surrounded by high wall of bricks. One day, the earth shook and the great walls that had been surrounding these two people crumbled to the ground. As the first dropped to his knees and started anxiously and nervously picking up the pieces of bricks and tried to rebuild his wall, the second person stood silent, staring at the bricks that surrounded him. The walls that had been built tall and strong to keep the evil world out were now laying at his feet. As the first person kept his eyes only on his bricks - and thought only of rebuilding the walls that had fallen to stay safe, the other person looked around him - full of excitement and wonder about what was before him - yet he was torn between the beauty of this new world and the memories of the pain that caused him to build the walls.

The walls had kept him safe for a while, but as he looked around he realized that everything had changed since the day he had built the walls. When he first started building - the world was a dark scary place filled with pain. As the walls were built higher, he lost sight of what was happening on the other side. Now, as he looked around he saw scars that the old world had left behind; but the world was now bright and full of beauty.

Knowing only a life spent building walls, the man bent down to start picking up his bricks, but he couldn't stop thinking about the beauty of the world around him. He decided to take a step over the pile of bricks that was before him - to see what was beyond his pile. As he stood in front of the pile of bricks he started to feel happy and safe. Soon - the other person looked over through a crack in the new all he was building and saw that the man was outside his wall - he let out a cry of terror for the man and then hid behind his bricks in fear. The builders scream overwhelmed him with fear, memories of the old world - and he jumped back behind his wall and trembled with fear.

Soon, however, the freedom he had felt after he took that first step, and the beauty of the world around him kept calling him to go back beyond the bricks. Days went by before the man got enough courage to try and take that first step again. Slowly, he stood up and took a step beyond the pile of rubble. The freedom that he had felt returned and the man took a deep breath, letting the happiness sink in. He stayed close to his pile, cautiously looking around at the world, incase something happened - he could return to his walls.

As the man stood on the other side of the bricks he looked back and saw the pain and loneliness of the man rebuilding his wall. It reminded him of what he once felt in the days when he hid behind his own walls. The builder looked up for a moment, and saw the man - once again on the outside of the walls - he let out another cry of terror, this time however, it didn't scare the man - he stayed, outside his wall, because he knew he wanted the freedom of the world. He was scared, but he stayed.

One day the man got the courage to take another step away from the pile of bricks. He took another step away and began to explore the beauty of his new world. Each day he took another step away from his old home. As the man moved father and father away, the sounds of the builder grew quieter and the memories of the wall that he once his behind grew softer.

As the man explored the beauty and wonder of the new world around him he began to notice the scars that the pain from the old world had left behind. As he looked at the scars he was reminded of the pain that they once caused. He thought back to the time that he had spent behind the wall. As he took a step back from what he was looking at he saw the beauty fo what that scar had become once it healed. As the days went by and the man grew stronger and more comfortable with his new world he traveled back towards where his wall once stood. He could no longer see the rubble from his wall - but he remembered the journey that he had been on - and then he took one more step towards freedom.

a letter to myself

I'm sitting at my desk, writing a letter to a student that is struggling with some major self esteem/self image stuff... I printed out Psalm 139 and went through and highlighted and wrote notes on it... notes that i have written time and time again in my bibles and journals. Pleading with God to help me believe his truth, and feel his presence... The thoughts and struggles i have with believing that i am fearfully and wonderfully made - that my body and soul are MARVEOLOUSLY made... that God made me - and that God doesnt make mistakes...

The page is filled with notes that i've struggled with for years. Things i have had to fight to believe - things that i still have to fight to believe. It was hard for me to write them, knowing that one of my students - who look up to me to be the strong leader - will be reading some of my weakest and most alone moments.... But, my deepest desire is for her to know that she is NOT alone right now... for her to know that it will be okay someday... that the things she's believing are LIES.

Because that was my deepest longing when i was stuck in that place - for someone to reach out and fight with me, to show me that i wasn't alone.

One the back of the page, i wrote her a note... As i neared the end of the note, my heart started beating fast and faster.

I was listening to a worship chapel that i had been at my freshman year at Multnomah. I remember that chapel - i always have. Scott played and it was AMAZING. I didn't know scott at the time, i didn't know who he was, i didn't know his wife, i didnt know anything about him - but i LOVED that chapel. I connected with Jesus in a way i never knew possible. Now - 7 years later, i'm sitting at my desk listening to the same chapel because Scott and Mel are now not only some of my closest friends - but my family.

So, Scott's music is putting truth into my ears and my heart - and i'm writing a letter to a student who is in a similar place to where i was when i was sitting in that chapel. Alone, unsure, beliving lies, and not knowing what Jesus's comforting touch felt like yet.

As i got to the end of the letter i started to realize that this letter wasn't just for her - it was for me, it was for you, it was for everybody. My hand was writing - but i'm positive it was not my mind crafting the words that were put on the paper - it was my Papa... writing a Love letter to all of us.... and you need to read this letter as much as i do and as much as my middle school girl does.


YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I wanted to share some thoughts that i've had before - things i've struggled to believe - these are REAL thoughts from my bible when i was younger, although i still have days when i have to go back and read the truth that God says. You are loved more than you'll ever know, by a God - a father - more perfect than you could ever comprehend. When you start to believe lies that people tell you - run to scripture. Read it, soak it in, ask God to help you believe it. Cry, scream, punch your pillow - whatever you need to do to help you believe that what God says is TRUE! it will take a while, you will have to fight for it, and fight hard - but you will believe it one day. You will even FEEL it one day. It will happen when you least expect it, in a way you never imagined (i'll tell you my story sometime - it involves a waterfall).

Your papa loves you so much. The words on this page are TRUE. the things your "friends" say to you are LIES that satan wants you to believe so that you will be so consumed with loneliness and fear and sadness that you wont be able to love others and show them the light of God's love. Don't believe the lies. Fight for truth. You wont feel like it's true at first - but it is - you MUST believe that. Your papa has you wrapped up in his arms. Holding you tight. Waiting for you to choose to believe HIS words and accept his unconditional amazing love for YOU!

Jesus Loves you right where your at.

right in the midst of all your crap - right now - whatever is going on....

Jesus. Loves. You. 

a whole freaking lot.

Self-Care and coffee shops

I just had a little revelation.

I miss spending hours in a coffee shop.

Don't just count me crazy yet...  hear me out.

I miss the relationships... i miss the people... i miss the coffee... i miss the freedom for my mind to wander... i miss the authenticity of the people you meet... i miss the randomness... i miss the conversations... i miss the joy of seeing people you haven't seen in a while... i miss the way my heart feels after spending time with the Lord and with others with a cup of coffee.

yeah, ok - i might be crazy.

The internet is down at work - and thursday is usually my media day. I spent part of the morning attempting to set up for our halloween party this weekend - but kept telling myself i shouldn't do all that work by myself - cause i have a team of leaders that are planning on helping set up on saturday and we need something to do. So, instead, i walked across the street with my backpack and set myself up at a table at the coffee shop next door. I've been here for about 2 hours now. And i feel like i've been WAY more productive than if i had been at the office - even though i haven't done any of the work i actually need to do yet.

I've blogged. I've been encouraged. I've learned. I let my mind wander through the truth's of scripture. I've been able to relax and be me again.

It fills my heart with joy - and also a little bit of mourning.

I haven't spent time in a coffee shop since i left Gresham.

I miss Cafe D.
I miss knowing the barista's.
I miss heidi making my coffee and writing notes on my cups.
I miss sitting at a table with friends working on our computers.
I miss the breaks from work when friends came in.
I miss the atmosphere.
I miss my family.
I miss the passion and purpose i had back then.
I miss it all. I just do.


As i'm sitting here - knowing that spending time at a coffee shop is helping make my soul alive again - i was reminded of a list of self-care ideas that mel gave me. I've always had a problem with self-care... the things that the books talked about and counselors said, they all just seemed weird... and never really seemed like they'd help... I spend lots of time at cafe D talking to mel about that. Not long ago, she sent me a list of self care ideas. Just for me.  They truly are - just for me... cause your all going to think i'm crazy when you read them... but they really are the things that give my heart rest - and allow me to breath again.

1. text mel
2. get a coconut american with whip cream
3. think of 3 people i love and something that reminds me of them, take a picture and send it to them
4. go on a hike where i will get wet - either from ran, a water fall, or some random body of what that you accidentally fall into.
5. attempt to do a cartwheel
6. find some wood, nails, and paint and create something that only you could think of.
7. insert ear buds and listen to scott
8. pick out an old t shirt and tiedye it - and commit to wearing it the next day no matter what it looks like.
9. stand on a street corner randomly looking up at something invisible and see how many people ither join you - or point and stare.
10. yell whats wrong at a bird as it flies by -then talk to jesus about it.
11. do something slightly dangerous that you'll probably get a minor injury from.

Yeah, i'm strange... but - she knows me... well - and the more i think about it - the more i know she's right about every single one of those :) of course, i need to add sitting at a coffee shop now...

secret notes

I was up wandering around the classrooms yesterday morning - cleaning things up, making sure the rooms were in order - when i remembered that i had seen one of the upper elementary students typing something on the computer on sunday night... my curiosity of course came to life and i went and tried to find where they had saved the document to... and boy did i find it!

I found one that was just one sentence... (this isn't word for word - but... it basically said)
"the purpose of revolution kids is to draw us closer to God."

WOW!

okay - so something else you should know, this was the student that is ALWAYS getting in trouble for not paying attention, purposefully doing stuff to get attention at bad times, and having meltdowns because she's not getting to have her way.

apparently - she's still learning - despite my view that she never pays attention...

then i found a second document...

I wish i could write exactly what she wrote - but, there's an issue with the internet at church - and the document is currently stuck on that computer... but once i can get it - i'll post it word for word... but it was the coolest little thing to read.

She basically said how revolution kids was the best - and that we played the coolest games, have the coolest leaders, and talked through the night - just like she might tell one of her friends... and then at the end she talked about how it may seem like we're just another "thing" to come to - but that the ultimate purpose of the fun and games is to build relationships and draw students closer to God.


It was such a blessing to find this small little note... I have a new appreciation for this little girls heart - and for her secretly paying attention. oh the many ways that my students amaze me.

that's charlotte - the girl who wrote the note - winning cheese head a few weeks ago! 

We're not crazy...

A friend just told me

"we're not crazy... we just have a lot of weird life experiences"

This is absolutely true.


We're reading "7 habit of highly effective people" for our staff mtg's right now... and today we had to read "habit 1 - proactivity" and - it's not exactly what you think it is.  It's not just being proactive - but choosing to respond rather than react to a situation.  While i was reading the chapter i kept thinking - well, of course you get to choose how you respond to issues" and "why would you focus on things you have no control of, that doesn't make any sense"... The chapter was about your "responsibility" (or your ability to repsond) in a certain way. To focus on the the things that you can change - and change them - not to focus on things out of your control. That you get to choose your attitude in every situation. That humans have the ability to be self aware. That even though there are things that happen to us, that are out of our control - we still get to choose how we respond to them. To always work on the "be" rather than worrying about the "have".

As i was reading through the chapter i kept getting sidetracked on various stories/experiences from my life that have happened to me, and how i've responded to them. Especially one that happened recently on a commute to work.

We had gotten a late night email about a set of questions we had to have answered before our staff mtg later that day. Rob was all worked up and pist about how controlling it was, and how somebody must have done something to really piss our boss off, and how it's not fair to punish everyone, instead of just calling out the person who's attitude is the problem... the more he talked, the more nervous i got - trying to rack my brain and remember if i had done something recently that would have shown disrespect during our meetings... but at the same time - i realized that my attitude and Rob's were very different. He was stressed out of it and all worked up - and i wasn't. So I put in my two cents. "we don't know why he sent out the email - and if you havn't done anything wrong, why are you all stressed out about it. Just answer the questions and go on with your day. If you know your actions havn't caused this - don't worry about it."

I didn't know it at the time, but i was using my ability to repsond to a situation.

It feels weird to say this - and i keep checking myself to make sure i'm not just saying it to get out of the hard work of changing and growing... but, as i read through the chapter i kept thinking "this is how i am already" I havn't let the things that have happened to me define me. I choose to have a good attitude and only worry about the things that i can change. I work on how to "be' a better leader, a better listener, a stronger person, how to "be" more trustworthy...

I obviously still have more work to do - i can grow more - i can become a better me. But, as i read this chapter - of this book that i don't really want to read (mostly because i'm defiant) - i thanked God for instilling this proactive attitude in me. Because if i didn't have it - if i didn't somehow naturally choose not to let others actions define me - i wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't be who i am, i wouldn't be where i am, and i wouldn't be doing what i'm doing.

I'm living into my ministry, i'm building into students, teaching them they're loved, and cared for - teaching them the fundamental truth's of scripture. Leading through doing - and being an example of God's love to all those around me.

But it's only because of God's grace that i can do those things.

The book used the story of Joseph. How Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers - but he didn't wallow in self pity because of it (which, if anybody, he had a right to do) instead he chose to focus on making himself better in his situation. He became a trusted member of potiphers house. And when he found himself tricked into a situation - he chose to not back down on his values - and was thrown into jail for 13 years. But once again - he didn't wallow in pity (when, once again, he could have and no one would have called him out on it) instead, he kept working on making himself better. He became a trusted and influential person in the prison - bringing hope and encoruagement to many - including the guards - and eventually, because of his choices - became second only to pharoah.

God instilled something inside Joseph where he knew to focus on making himself better. He didn't have this book to read - he couldn't control his situations - but he focused on "being" a person of character. I think we all have it. We are all able to make the choices to become a better person. to respond to a situation instead of react. It comes easier to some, but, some are put in situations at such a young age that it has to come naturally. God knows what he's doing.

I challenge you to focus on the "be" rather than the "have"

If i would "have"...
If only i "had"...
If he "had"...
I wish i would "have"...

I can "be"...
I will "become"...
I choose to "be"...
How can i "become"...

The other day i was listening to some music that my friend scott wrote. His music has this way of making sense of whats  going on inside my heart.  Well - there is this one song - that i REALLY like and i've been tempted to turn it into a tattoo.... i haven't done it yet. But, while i was at work one day i did sit down and try and break my creative block by making this...

the chorus of the song goes "maybe cold rain will come and fall on my face, maybe bright and warm sun will come and shine on my face. Either way, either way i'm all in. And maybe one day my life will work out my way, or maybe i'm running up hill to find out i'm destined for tradgedy. Either way, either way I'm all in."

It's such an amazing song - there's so much more truth wrapped up into it. But, it definietly sums up my life and how i feel about it. No matter what happens - I'm all in. I'm going to live my life for the Glory of God - whatever comes my way. That is one of the deepest desires of my heart, and yet, there are times when i forget that truth and become lazy.

So maybe i will get a tattoo - so this truth is always in front of me.

"seasons come to make us bolder - and we'll wear their wisdom like a crown"
-S.O.

a new blog...

yeah yeah yeah - i know. another new blog.

But, i needed a fresh start. A place to focus on different things. A place to talk about life now - not life before...

so...

to the way i use to blog...
to the old ways of doing life...
to running from stuff...
to not being who i am made to be...

PEACE OUT GIRL-SCOUT!

and to new life - it's time to bite the bullet.


let's party hardy!