Once again - i feel a small identity crisis approaching. Maybe not identity - but belief... a belief crisis.. is that a thing yet? cause if it's not it will be soon!
At various points in life - I stumble upon something that forces me to take a step back and look at things differently. To stop running through life like a chicken with my head cut off - and to really drink deep of what is truly happening. I have a love/hate relationship with these situations.
Recently A LOT has been happening in my life... a lot of new and crazy situations... that have mostly all been anxiety producing - so i've taken a few deep breaths and just pushed through...
but, i focused so much on the goal that i missed the journey.
the journey is so important - taking a moment to stop and look around, breath in the aromas, memorize the details, drink deep the beauty. It's wonderful when we take the time to enjoy the journey - we can learn so much - and we miss so much when we focus solely on the end.
Good stories aren't about the person, they're about the story and the outcome.
I play dumb too often, i miss out on opportunitites to truly use my gifts.
People generally don't set you up for failure - if they ask you to do something, they are confident in your abilities - so you (i) should be too. So, spend your energy on getting better/stronger/faster/more confident rahter than spending your energy trying to find confidence and battle doubt.
don't completely abandon everything about your old self - things maybe painful - but they may be useful.
Don't underestimate your ability to be a catalyst for change because you are young.
Don't be afriad of hugs or people who ask the tough questions.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Day 2.
Well - i exercised again today.
Day 2 of 2 - getting out and working out... and, today was harder than i anticipated too...
my leg - it feels like it's going to fall off... just one though. Not really sure about that.
And - tomorrow i go back to work.
I think i should probably try and make it a goal to take one day a week and get outside and dream and plan and spend time with the Lord planning out ministry and such... maybe hanging out in the woods at Silver Falls...
we'll see how that goes.
Day 2 of 2 - getting out and working out... and, today was harder than i anticipated too...
my leg - it feels like it's going to fall off... just one though. Not really sure about that.
And - tomorrow i go back to work.
I think i should probably try and make it a goal to take one day a week and get outside and dream and plan and spend time with the Lord planning out ministry and such... maybe hanging out in the woods at Silver Falls...
we'll see how that goes.
Back to the grind and having fun!
Friday, January 4, 2013
someone to learn from
I was driving back from yakima tonight and spending some quality time with Jesus listening to some of my favorite music (which happens to be recorded by one of my friends in yakima) and had a few moments of just crying to myself a mixture of joy, loss, fear, and contentment (or something like that).
At one point this weekend i had a very strange conversation. Well - i had a couple.
The first one: we were talking about our ex-church. me and four others (two of which had been on staff, and the other two had been "kicked out" long before anyone else). I didn't really add much to this conversation but i listened intently to all the things they discussed. It was relieving and traumatic - all at the same time. When we all get together it's like a unit that has been to war together - we can talk about things that have happened and those who were there with us totally understand... there's a level of understanding that nobody else has - unless you were there. But, at the same time - it opened up wounds that i thought were healed up... at least to a manageable point. The main thing that was weird about this conversation was once again realizing that I don't actually know my part of that story. The way things played out, I actually ended up saving myself a little bit of pain (at the moment at least) but it left this whole. a feeling i'm all to familiar with regarding my family - a whole that i can't explain and that i don't understand how to fill in... a black hole of knowledge that would help me piece together the broken parts of my heart... however painful it may be to find those parts and possibly break them a little more along the way - you can't heal unless you have all the parts back. But, i know the ones who have the information that can fill that hole... now it's a matter of timing...
The second one: was when i was talking to mel about something that somebody at work had said to me - the conversation morphed and transformed into mel telling me that she needed to learn from me - that i had an ability to live life that she didnt, and that her heart desperately longed for. it was shocking and weird - and made me all warm and tingly inside. I'm the baby of the group - everyone (especially S&M) have been mentors/big borther/sisters to me... i learn from them. They are the strong ones, the ones that have it figured out - the ones that challenge me... Well - apparently the tides have turned somewhat. Throughout this whole ex-church mess and our struggles with spirituality and "the church", trying to decipher what those things should look like in our lives, and how to live in a world where biblical truths are being used and abused i have somehow come out with a strong character trait. Secretly i'd call it a survival mechanism, but it's one that just happens to not be all bad. My story before ex-church morphed me in such a way that i can work in a church, "ignoring" the brokenness and unbiblical ways that the body is behaving, and choose to love the kids God has placed before me.
I had never really known that was such a weird trait to have, actually. but mel assured me it wasn't normal. My entire childhood was a system that was severely broken, that broke and wounded me in the process - and was totally out of my control - yet i survived it. I found ways to live and grow and become who i am today despite the world around me. You learn to read people quickly, work the system, and adapt to ever changing and possibly volatile situations. Because of my childhood - i can work in a system that every fiber of my being currently hates.
I hate the church. I hate how it hurts the people it's suppose to love. How it pushes away those that need it's truth the most. How it labels and judges before getting to know people. How it doesn't follow the one thing it was founded on - love. I hate how the family of God is disjointed and waging war against each other. I hate how so many people give Jesus a bad name. I hate that so many others hate Christians. and there's so many more... ex-church really did a doosey on me.
But - i LOVE the truth of the gospel. I LOVE my father. i can't see life without JESUS. but my life with Jesus looks so much different that most other peoples.
I'm not saying that i know exactly how we're suppose to live - or that i know everything about the bible or about God. Quite opposite really. But i know that God wants us to LOVE others - and frankly - we suck at that big time.
But anyhow - back to me being someone to learn from... (sorry about that little rant)
(apparently, my blogger failed to save the last few paragraphs i wrote the other night - so i'm gonna re-finish this post... though it may be different than the origional - nobody will know but me)
I'm the baby of the group - and the friend i was talking to has been my boss, a mentor, a spiritual leader, and also a very close friend to me for many years now... so to hear her say that she needed to learn from me - it was shocking and cool. It also prompted that little desire inside me to want to share my life with the greater world, possibly in book form... who knows... we'll just see where the Lord leads me this year.
At one point this weekend i had a very strange conversation. Well - i had a couple.
The first one: we were talking about our ex-church. me and four others (two of which had been on staff, and the other two had been "kicked out" long before anyone else). I didn't really add much to this conversation but i listened intently to all the things they discussed. It was relieving and traumatic - all at the same time. When we all get together it's like a unit that has been to war together - we can talk about things that have happened and those who were there with us totally understand... there's a level of understanding that nobody else has - unless you were there. But, at the same time - it opened up wounds that i thought were healed up... at least to a manageable point. The main thing that was weird about this conversation was once again realizing that I don't actually know my part of that story. The way things played out, I actually ended up saving myself a little bit of pain (at the moment at least) but it left this whole. a feeling i'm all to familiar with regarding my family - a whole that i can't explain and that i don't understand how to fill in... a black hole of knowledge that would help me piece together the broken parts of my heart... however painful it may be to find those parts and possibly break them a little more along the way - you can't heal unless you have all the parts back. But, i know the ones who have the information that can fill that hole... now it's a matter of timing...
The second one: was when i was talking to mel about something that somebody at work had said to me - the conversation morphed and transformed into mel telling me that she needed to learn from me - that i had an ability to live life that she didnt, and that her heart desperately longed for. it was shocking and weird - and made me all warm and tingly inside. I'm the baby of the group - everyone (especially S&M) have been mentors/big borther/sisters to me... i learn from them. They are the strong ones, the ones that have it figured out - the ones that challenge me... Well - apparently the tides have turned somewhat. Throughout this whole ex-church mess and our struggles with spirituality and "the church", trying to decipher what those things should look like in our lives, and how to live in a world where biblical truths are being used and abused i have somehow come out with a strong character trait. Secretly i'd call it a survival mechanism, but it's one that just happens to not be all bad. My story before ex-church morphed me in such a way that i can work in a church, "ignoring" the brokenness and unbiblical ways that the body is behaving, and choose to love the kids God has placed before me.
I had never really known that was such a weird trait to have, actually. but mel assured me it wasn't normal. My entire childhood was a system that was severely broken, that broke and wounded me in the process - and was totally out of my control - yet i survived it. I found ways to live and grow and become who i am today despite the world around me. You learn to read people quickly, work the system, and adapt to ever changing and possibly volatile situations. Because of my childhood - i can work in a system that every fiber of my being currently hates.
I hate the church. I hate how it hurts the people it's suppose to love. How it pushes away those that need it's truth the most. How it labels and judges before getting to know people. How it doesn't follow the one thing it was founded on - love. I hate how the family of God is disjointed and waging war against each other. I hate how so many people give Jesus a bad name. I hate that so many others hate Christians. and there's so many more... ex-church really did a doosey on me.
But - i LOVE the truth of the gospel. I LOVE my father. i can't see life without JESUS. but my life with Jesus looks so much different that most other peoples.
I'm not saying that i know exactly how we're suppose to live - or that i know everything about the bible or about God. Quite opposite really. But i know that God wants us to LOVE others - and frankly - we suck at that big time.
But anyhow - back to me being someone to learn from... (sorry about that little rant)
(apparently, my blogger failed to save the last few paragraphs i wrote the other night - so i'm gonna re-finish this post... though it may be different than the origional - nobody will know but me)
I'm the baby of the group - and the friend i was talking to has been my boss, a mentor, a spiritual leader, and also a very close friend to me for many years now... so to hear her say that she needed to learn from me - it was shocking and cool. It also prompted that little desire inside me to want to share my life with the greater world, possibly in book form... who knows... we'll just see where the Lord leads me this year.
take that 2013
Well - this year i'm determined to get into shape.... being healthy and active and able to do any task at any time (hiking, rappeling, climbing, running) those are not only essential to the dream job i have - but also essential in case zombies attack (haha)
So - this year, i stop being lazy and out of shape and kick my butt into gear. Yeah, i had that idea last year, and the year before... and i sometimes started out okay - but i noramlly just found myself looking up various workouts and healthy recipes online. Well - last night i found one of those "workout for each day of the week" things and wrote them down in a new journal i got for christmas... then i wrote down the military diet (which i'll be doing thurs,fri,sat) and another workout i found today... and as i was sitting there looking up the last few exercises that i didn't know i decided to get up and go work out...
so, i found some socks (which was harder than it should be - my bedroom has become the staging area for everything that noramlly lives in our living room since we're painting it) worked my way back across the obstacle course that is my bedroom, grabbed my workout list, my phone and headed to the garage.
i didn't make excuses cause it was cold
i didn't make excuses about there not being space (which, there really wasn't)
and i didn't make excuses about not having the right equipment
i used a pile of logs to do tricep dips (which left my hands a little sappy)
i used a garden bench to do incline pushups
i used a deck chair cushion as a workout mat
and i used out work bench to help me do situps (to hold my feet)
tomorrow i'll be using a log to do russian twists and probably a brick to do calf raises :)
being creative can be fun sometimes :)
take that 2013. I'm not being lazy!
So - this year, i stop being lazy and out of shape and kick my butt into gear. Yeah, i had that idea last year, and the year before... and i sometimes started out okay - but i noramlly just found myself looking up various workouts and healthy recipes online. Well - last night i found one of those "workout for each day of the week" things and wrote them down in a new journal i got for christmas... then i wrote down the military diet (which i'll be doing thurs,fri,sat) and another workout i found today... and as i was sitting there looking up the last few exercises that i didn't know i decided to get up and go work out...
so, i found some socks (which was harder than it should be - my bedroom has become the staging area for everything that noramlly lives in our living room since we're painting it) worked my way back across the obstacle course that is my bedroom, grabbed my workout list, my phone and headed to the garage.
i didn't make excuses cause it was cold
i didn't make excuses about there not being space (which, there really wasn't)
and i didn't make excuses about not having the right equipment
i used a pile of logs to do tricep dips (which left my hands a little sappy)
i used a garden bench to do incline pushups
i used a deck chair cushion as a workout mat
and i used out work bench to help me do situps (to hold my feet)
tomorrow i'll be using a log to do russian twists and probably a brick to do calf raises :)
being creative can be fun sometimes :)
take that 2013. I'm not being lazy!
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
yaki-cation
vacation time again... and oh it has been a WHOLE lot of fun!
this week i froze myself into an ashley popsicle shooting out with the guys - which was amazing. I bought my first rifle - a wicked 10-22.
We hung out, watched loads of youtube videos, went on a long walk in the snow through the orchards, and rang in the new year by lighting up a christmas tree...
and once again - our rambling times of hanging out have taught me something.
so here are my new years thoughts.
1. just chill
2. yakima in the winter - is freezing cold.
3. friends are the most important thing
4. always check your safety
5. relationships trump technology
6. be yourself
this week i froze myself into an ashley popsicle shooting out with the guys - which was amazing. I bought my first rifle - a wicked 10-22.
We hung out, watched loads of youtube videos, went on a long walk in the snow through the orchards, and rang in the new year by lighting up a christmas tree...
and once again - our rambling times of hanging out have taught me something.
so here are my new years thoughts.
1. just chill
2. yakima in the winter - is freezing cold.
3. friends are the most important thing
4. always check your safety
5. relationships trump technology
6. be yourself
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
A story...
A story is told of two people. Both were surrounded by high wall of bricks. One day, the earth shook and the great walls that had been surrounding these two people crumbled to the ground. As the first dropped to his knees and started anxiously and nervously picking up the pieces of bricks and tried to rebuild his wall, the second person stood silent, staring at the bricks that surrounded him. The walls that had been built tall and strong to keep the evil world out were now laying at his feet. As the first person kept his eyes only on his bricks - and thought only of rebuilding the walls that had fallen to stay safe, the other person looked around him - full of excitement and wonder about what was before him - yet he was torn between the beauty of this new world and the memories of the pain that caused him to build the walls.
The walls had kept him safe for a while, but as he looked around he realized that everything had changed since the day he had built the walls. When he first started building - the world was a dark scary place filled with pain. As the walls were built higher, he lost sight of what was happening on the other side. Now, as he looked around he saw scars that the old world had left behind; but the world was now bright and full of beauty.
Knowing only a life spent building walls, the man bent down to start picking up his bricks, but he couldn't stop thinking about the beauty of the world around him. He decided to take a step over the pile of bricks that was before him - to see what was beyond his pile. As he stood in front of the pile of bricks he started to feel happy and safe. Soon - the other person looked over through a crack in the new all he was building and saw that the man was outside his wall - he let out a cry of terror for the man and then hid behind his bricks in fear. The builders scream overwhelmed him with fear, memories of the old world - and he jumped back behind his wall and trembled with fear.
Soon, however, the freedom he had felt after he took that first step, and the beauty of the world around him kept calling him to go back beyond the bricks. Days went by before the man got enough courage to try and take that first step again. Slowly, he stood up and took a step beyond the pile of rubble. The freedom that he had felt returned and the man took a deep breath, letting the happiness sink in. He stayed close to his pile, cautiously looking around at the world, incase something happened - he could return to his walls.
As the man stood on the other side of the bricks he looked back and saw the pain and loneliness of the man rebuilding his wall. It reminded him of what he once felt in the days when he hid behind his own walls. The builder looked up for a moment, and saw the man - once again on the outside of the walls - he let out another cry of terror, this time however, it didn't scare the man - he stayed, outside his wall, because he knew he wanted the freedom of the world. He was scared, but he stayed.
One day the man got the courage to take another step away from the pile of bricks. He took another step away and began to explore the beauty of his new world. Each day he took another step away from his old home. As the man moved father and father away, the sounds of the builder grew quieter and the memories of the wall that he once his behind grew softer.
As the man explored the beauty and wonder of the new world around him he began to notice the scars that the pain from the old world had left behind. As he looked at the scars he was reminded of the pain that they once caused. He thought back to the time that he had spent behind the wall. As he took a step back from what he was looking at he saw the beauty fo what that scar had become once it healed. As the days went by and the man grew stronger and more comfortable with his new world he traveled back towards where his wall once stood. He could no longer see the rubble from his wall - but he remembered the journey that he had been on - and then he took one more step towards freedom.
The walls had kept him safe for a while, but as he looked around he realized that everything had changed since the day he had built the walls. When he first started building - the world was a dark scary place filled with pain. As the walls were built higher, he lost sight of what was happening on the other side. Now, as he looked around he saw scars that the old world had left behind; but the world was now bright and full of beauty.
Knowing only a life spent building walls, the man bent down to start picking up his bricks, but he couldn't stop thinking about the beauty of the world around him. He decided to take a step over the pile of bricks that was before him - to see what was beyond his pile. As he stood in front of the pile of bricks he started to feel happy and safe. Soon - the other person looked over through a crack in the new all he was building and saw that the man was outside his wall - he let out a cry of terror for the man and then hid behind his bricks in fear. The builders scream overwhelmed him with fear, memories of the old world - and he jumped back behind his wall and trembled with fear.
Soon, however, the freedom he had felt after he took that first step, and the beauty of the world around him kept calling him to go back beyond the bricks. Days went by before the man got enough courage to try and take that first step again. Slowly, he stood up and took a step beyond the pile of rubble. The freedom that he had felt returned and the man took a deep breath, letting the happiness sink in. He stayed close to his pile, cautiously looking around at the world, incase something happened - he could return to his walls.
As the man stood on the other side of the bricks he looked back and saw the pain and loneliness of the man rebuilding his wall. It reminded him of what he once felt in the days when he hid behind his own walls. The builder looked up for a moment, and saw the man - once again on the outside of the walls - he let out another cry of terror, this time however, it didn't scare the man - he stayed, outside his wall, because he knew he wanted the freedom of the world. He was scared, but he stayed.
One day the man got the courage to take another step away from the pile of bricks. He took another step away and began to explore the beauty of his new world. Each day he took another step away from his old home. As the man moved father and father away, the sounds of the builder grew quieter and the memories of the wall that he once his behind grew softer.
As the man explored the beauty and wonder of the new world around him he began to notice the scars that the pain from the old world had left behind. As he looked at the scars he was reminded of the pain that they once caused. He thought back to the time that he had spent behind the wall. As he took a step back from what he was looking at he saw the beauty fo what that scar had become once it healed. As the days went by and the man grew stronger and more comfortable with his new world he traveled back towards where his wall once stood. He could no longer see the rubble from his wall - but he remembered the journey that he had been on - and then he took one more step towards freedom.
a letter to myself
I'm sitting at my desk, writing a letter to a student that is struggling with some major self esteem/self image stuff... I printed out Psalm 139 and went through and highlighted and wrote notes on it... notes that i have written time and time again in my bibles and journals. Pleading with God to help me believe his truth, and feel his presence... The thoughts and struggles i have with believing that i am fearfully and wonderfully made - that my body and soul are MARVEOLOUSLY made... that God made me - and that God doesnt make mistakes...
The page is filled with notes that i've struggled with for years. Things i have had to fight to believe - things that i still have to fight to believe. It was hard for me to write them, knowing that one of my students - who look up to me to be the strong leader - will be reading some of my weakest and most alone moments.... But, my deepest desire is for her to know that she is NOT alone right now... for her to know that it will be okay someday... that the things she's believing are LIES.
Because that was my deepest longing when i was stuck in that place - for someone to reach out and fight with me, to show me that i wasn't alone.
One the back of the page, i wrote her a note... As i neared the end of the note, my heart started beating fast and faster.
I was listening to a worship chapel that i had been at my freshman year at Multnomah. I remember that chapel - i always have. Scott played and it was AMAZING. I didn't know scott at the time, i didn't know who he was, i didn't know his wife, i didnt know anything about him - but i LOVED that chapel. I connected with Jesus in a way i never knew possible. Now - 7 years later, i'm sitting at my desk listening to the same chapel because Scott and Mel are now not only some of my closest friends - but my family.
So, Scott's music is putting truth into my ears and my heart - and i'm writing a letter to a student who is in a similar place to where i was when i was sitting in that chapel. Alone, unsure, beliving lies, and not knowing what Jesus's comforting touch felt like yet.
As i got to the end of the letter i started to realize that this letter wasn't just for her - it was for me, it was for you, it was for everybody. My hand was writing - but i'm positive it was not my mind crafting the words that were put on the paper - it was my Papa... writing a Love letter to all of us.... and you need to read this letter as much as i do and as much as my middle school girl does.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I wanted to share some thoughts that i've had before - things i've struggled to believe - these are REAL thoughts from my bible when i was younger, although i still have days when i have to go back and read the truth that God says. You are loved more than you'll ever know, by a God - a father - more perfect than you could ever comprehend. When you start to believe lies that people tell you - run to scripture. Read it, soak it in, ask God to help you believe it. Cry, scream, punch your pillow - whatever you need to do to help you believe that what God says is TRUE! it will take a while, you will have to fight for it, and fight hard - but you will believe it one day. You will even FEEL it one day. It will happen when you least expect it, in a way you never imagined (i'll tell you my story sometime - it involves a waterfall).
Your papa loves you so much. The words on this page are TRUE. the things your "friends" say to you are LIES that satan wants you to believe so that you will be so consumed with loneliness and fear and sadness that you wont be able to love others and show them the light of God's love. Don't believe the lies. Fight for truth. You wont feel like it's true at first - but it is - you MUST believe that. Your papa has you wrapped up in his arms. Holding you tight. Waiting for you to choose to believe HIS words and accept his unconditional amazing love for YOU!
The page is filled with notes that i've struggled with for years. Things i have had to fight to believe - things that i still have to fight to believe. It was hard for me to write them, knowing that one of my students - who look up to me to be the strong leader - will be reading some of my weakest and most alone moments.... But, my deepest desire is for her to know that she is NOT alone right now... for her to know that it will be okay someday... that the things she's believing are LIES.
Because that was my deepest longing when i was stuck in that place - for someone to reach out and fight with me, to show me that i wasn't alone.
One the back of the page, i wrote her a note... As i neared the end of the note, my heart started beating fast and faster.
I was listening to a worship chapel that i had been at my freshman year at Multnomah. I remember that chapel - i always have. Scott played and it was AMAZING. I didn't know scott at the time, i didn't know who he was, i didn't know his wife, i didnt know anything about him - but i LOVED that chapel. I connected with Jesus in a way i never knew possible. Now - 7 years later, i'm sitting at my desk listening to the same chapel because Scott and Mel are now not only some of my closest friends - but my family.
So, Scott's music is putting truth into my ears and my heart - and i'm writing a letter to a student who is in a similar place to where i was when i was sitting in that chapel. Alone, unsure, beliving lies, and not knowing what Jesus's comforting touch felt like yet.
As i got to the end of the letter i started to realize that this letter wasn't just for her - it was for me, it was for you, it was for everybody. My hand was writing - but i'm positive it was not my mind crafting the words that were put on the paper - it was my Papa... writing a Love letter to all of us.... and you need to read this letter as much as i do and as much as my middle school girl does.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I wanted to share some thoughts that i've had before - things i've struggled to believe - these are REAL thoughts from my bible when i was younger, although i still have days when i have to go back and read the truth that God says. You are loved more than you'll ever know, by a God - a father - more perfect than you could ever comprehend. When you start to believe lies that people tell you - run to scripture. Read it, soak it in, ask God to help you believe it. Cry, scream, punch your pillow - whatever you need to do to help you believe that what God says is TRUE! it will take a while, you will have to fight for it, and fight hard - but you will believe it one day. You will even FEEL it one day. It will happen when you least expect it, in a way you never imagined (i'll tell you my story sometime - it involves a waterfall).
Your papa loves you so much. The words on this page are TRUE. the things your "friends" say to you are LIES that satan wants you to believe so that you will be so consumed with loneliness and fear and sadness that you wont be able to love others and show them the light of God's love. Don't believe the lies. Fight for truth. You wont feel like it's true at first - but it is - you MUST believe that. Your papa has you wrapped up in his arms. Holding you tight. Waiting for you to choose to believe HIS words and accept his unconditional amazing love for YOU!
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