Tuesday, November 6, 2012

a letter to myself

I'm sitting at my desk, writing a letter to a student that is struggling with some major self esteem/self image stuff... I printed out Psalm 139 and went through and highlighted and wrote notes on it... notes that i have written time and time again in my bibles and journals. Pleading with God to help me believe his truth, and feel his presence... The thoughts and struggles i have with believing that i am fearfully and wonderfully made - that my body and soul are MARVEOLOUSLY made... that God made me - and that God doesnt make mistakes...

The page is filled with notes that i've struggled with for years. Things i have had to fight to believe - things that i still have to fight to believe. It was hard for me to write them, knowing that one of my students - who look up to me to be the strong leader - will be reading some of my weakest and most alone moments.... But, my deepest desire is for her to know that she is NOT alone right now... for her to know that it will be okay someday... that the things she's believing are LIES.

Because that was my deepest longing when i was stuck in that place - for someone to reach out and fight with me, to show me that i wasn't alone.

One the back of the page, i wrote her a note... As i neared the end of the note, my heart started beating fast and faster.

I was listening to a worship chapel that i had been at my freshman year at Multnomah. I remember that chapel - i always have. Scott played and it was AMAZING. I didn't know scott at the time, i didn't know who he was, i didn't know his wife, i didnt know anything about him - but i LOVED that chapel. I connected with Jesus in a way i never knew possible. Now - 7 years later, i'm sitting at my desk listening to the same chapel because Scott and Mel are now not only some of my closest friends - but my family.

So, Scott's music is putting truth into my ears and my heart - and i'm writing a letter to a student who is in a similar place to where i was when i was sitting in that chapel. Alone, unsure, beliving lies, and not knowing what Jesus's comforting touch felt like yet.

As i got to the end of the letter i started to realize that this letter wasn't just for her - it was for me, it was for you, it was for everybody. My hand was writing - but i'm positive it was not my mind crafting the words that were put on the paper - it was my Papa... writing a Love letter to all of us.... and you need to read this letter as much as i do and as much as my middle school girl does.

I wanted to share some thoughts that i've had before - things i've struggled to believe - these are REAL thoughts from my bible when i was younger, although i still have days when i have to go back and read the truth that God says. You are loved more than you'll ever know, by a God - a father - more perfect than you could ever comprehend. When you start to believe lies that people tell you - run to scripture. Read it, soak it in, ask God to help you believe it. Cry, scream, punch your pillow - whatever you need to do to help you believe that what God says is TRUE! it will take a while, you will have to fight for it, and fight hard - but you will believe it one day. You will even FEEL it one day. It will happen when you least expect it, in a way you never imagined (i'll tell you my story sometime - it involves a waterfall).

Your papa loves you so much. The words on this page are TRUE. the things your "friends" say to you are LIES that satan wants you to believe so that you will be so consumed with loneliness and fear and sadness that you wont be able to love others and show them the light of God's love. Don't believe the lies. Fight for truth. You wont feel like it's true at first - but it is - you MUST believe that. Your papa has you wrapped up in his arms. Holding you tight. Waiting for you to choose to believe HIS words and accept his unconditional amazing love for YOU!

No comments:

Post a Comment