Sunday, June 23, 2013

a new day - a new problem

seems like recently each day when the sun rises it brings with it it's own new adventures, problems, and revelations of new parts of my heart... Some i'm okay with, some however, have been causing problems.

is it really possible for something you've been doing for years to all of a sudden catch up with you and have the reality of it hit you like a oncoming train going full speed? I feel like there should have been some warning signs - the faint whisper of the horn, the rumble of the train tracks - the lights... those dumb blinking barricades that fall down in front of your car to block the road LONG before the train actually comes...

yeah, somehow i missed all of those - and


(it's like BOOM, ROASTED! only, in the negative sorta sense)

i was texting a friend and her only 2 responses were:

1. we'll talk about it in a week when we're together because it's too complicated to text
2. i kinda thought this would have happened a while ago...

Hey - what about warning me about the approaching train?

her response -

"I'll explain that later too"

in writing this - it kind of reminds me of a almost unfortunate event that happened while i was in serbia.

We were on the train on our way to Serbia, from Slovenia - we needed to get off at this small little train station in the middle of nowhere and transfer to a different train. Well - nobody spoke serbian - and the workers on the train were, well, less than helpful. We were trying to decipher the horrible audio of the train PA system and not miss our stop... (15 people with all their luggage exiting a train in less than 3 minutes is a task unto itself). The train was slowing down, the PA system was crackling to life with what we thought was the announcement of the train station, we were all shoved into the sauna of the train car, our gear in tow, waiting to exit... The train stopped moving and i opened the door and started to step out as the screams of a frantic serbia train worker rang out only slightly above the roar of the oncoming train (that i hadn't noticed yet) time slowed as i looked into the eyes of the train worker - somehow understood him saying stop! hanging out his window frantically waving his arms trying to get me to get back into the train - i turned my head to look the opposite direction as somebody pulled me back inside and another train went speeding past only a foot or so away from the train door - and me.

I had no clue we weren't at the station yet - only slowing down so that the other train could pass (there was a junction up ahead and they got to go first apparently). I couldn't understand the muffle crackling think serbian accent of the train car operator - i wasn't sure where we were or what we were actually doing there - my heart was still reeling from leaving the students we had met in Slovenia - trying to take in the sights and feelings of worshipping together in a train car as we left one country - singing that "our God is mighty to save" and knowing that we were heading into another country to fall in love and break out hearts all over again - unknowing how our impact would affect those we met with.

How does this relate?

These last few years i've been on the train ride from Slovenia (my old church/friends/community/life) to Serbia (my new season of life) - and apparently, i just started to open the door onto what i thought was the correct platform - only to be pulled back in - overwhelmed by the noise, wind, and adrenaline of almost getting hit by a speeding train.

I don't know what Serbia is - maybe my church/my job is Serbia - maybe it's only the train ride - the transition between one thing and another... but all of a sudden the reality of the last few years has caught up with me and my heart and ears are pounding as i'm laying on the floor feeling the hot wind from the passing train wash over me as i listen to the yells of the Serbian train worker trying to warn me start to drown out and the chaos of my fellow train mates start to get louder in shock and awe and the telling of the story to those who didn't see what happened - only felt the effects of me being pulled back in.

Do i read a bunch into this - and begin to believe that i'm currently on the train and need to be preparing to go to my next season soon, that this is all just preparing me to be able to move on - giving me room - but not letting me get too comfortable...


do i sit back and just remember that i wasn't alone in serbia and i'm not alone now. i have friends around to pull me back in so i don't get hit by a the oncoming train... and keep pushing forward with my mission here, where i am.

afterall - we did end up sitting in someones yard for almost 8 hours before we actually got to our new homes... maybe it's time to sit in the metaphorical serbian yard and build new, lasting memories with those who were on the train with me.

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